Finding the Way Back
by JustBeFree
Summary: Tara runs into someone linked to her past. How will they help bring her back to Jax? Set in the ten years Tara was away from Charming
1. Under The Bridge

_**Hi everyone. I have written this fic on this site before but took it down. I would like to thank elbeewoods for getting me to re-upload it. **_

_**I had the most part of this fic but I had lost the two one shots to start it off. This time the two one shots and the fic will all be in one. **_

_**This fic is set after Tara leaves Charming to become a doctor but before the show. **_

_**Disclaimer- I don't own anything **_

_**Song- Under the Bridge- Red Hot Chilli Peppers **_

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Tara had finally finished her internship; she was now a fully-fledged doctor. Tonight was the night all the interns in the hospital were going to celebrate. She was happy she was officially a doctor but she remembered what becoming a doctor cost her. You see 7 years ago she left Charming and the man she loved behind. It wasn't that regretted leaving, she had always wanted to be a doctor.

Jax Teller was her everything. They had that intense love, that she couldn't put down to a teenage romance. There love was like a total eclipse of everything else in their lives. It had at one point made her think he was all she needed, that staying in Charming was her life.

It was her final year in Charming that pushed her into leaving. Jax had become a full member of the Club. She thought after his year ended as a prospect, things would get easier, boy was she wrong. He now had Church, longer runs and was in more fights. She didn't know could she be the next Gemma. Gemma loved the Club, the life but Tara always wanted more.

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Walking into this posh bar, it was something she would never get used too. The other interns or a lot of them came from money. She had worked her ass off for her scholarship, while keeping a part time job at a bar. She was dressed in a pair of skinny black jeans, a black backless top that just covered her crow and black boots. Her style had never changed she loved her black clothes. Her style completely contrasted to her career as a paediatric surgeon.

"Champagne Baby. Here's to us being full-fledged doctors" Emily one of her fellow workers shouted. Champagne was something Tara was never interested in, give her a beer or a shot of whiskey any day. She guesses old habits die hard. She was sitting in this bar for about an hour when the champagne started to go to their heads. They had taken to the dance floor to some pop shit Tara would never listen too. It took her another thirty minutes before she decided to leave.

_Sometimes I feel_

_Like I don't have A PARTNER_

_Sometimes I feel_

_Like my only friend_

Walking past a small dingy Irish bar called Doyles, she decided to go in. It reminded her of Charming in so many ways. She was sitting at the bar some old Irish song her mother used to sing, she thinks it was called Danny Boy was playing. There were some guy's playing cards, other playing pool and some old guys drinking beers at the bar.

"A penny for your thoughts?" Tara looked over her shoulder to see a fair haired guy standing behind her.

"Just thinking about some old times." Tara smirked kicking the stool out a little offering him the seat. He was wearing some jeans which were ripped at the knee, boots and a black t-shirt. She could see tattoos peeking out from under the arms of his shirt. He reminded her of the man that she left seven years ago,

"Pretty lady shouldn't be sitting by herself. So what brings you here?" Kozik said ordering himself a whiskey and ordering Tara another.

"I'm celebrating" Tara clinked her glass with his. "I became a doctor today no longer an intern."

"Congrats Doc." It was Koziks turn to clink her glass. "Never been in the company of a doctor before, unless you know got to go to hospital."

"First time for everything right?" Tara laughed. This whiskey was going down way better than that stupid champagne. The mix of champagne and now the whiskey kind of got her buzzed. "I love this song. You ok with dancing or is that against this bad boy look you got going on?" Kozik chuckled before pulling her from her seat. They started dancing to Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. It broth Tara back to the 90's back to the clubhouse. Kozik had the smell of oil and smoke. It reminded her of Jax. She didn't know what came over her but she lent up and her lips touched his.

"Want to get out of here?" Kozik asked between a kiss. They were against the wall of the hallway to the bathroom. He was tall maybe a bit taller than Jax, he was also more built but the smell reminded her so much of him.

"You guys got to get out of here." Tara could feel herself blushing she didn't think the guy could notice with the lighting in here. Tara turned to pick up her bag which had fallen in the heat of the moment. She felt her top get lifted off her back.

"Hey" Tara turned around to face the guy when she realised she didn't even know his name.

"You got something to tell me, old lady." His face was serious, he knew what her crow meant. Fuck was he some rival charter. "A crow ,fuck, a Sons old lady."

"How do you know what my tattoo means?" The drink she had drunk was starting to ware off and now she had fully come to her senses.

"Tacoma Charter" Tacoma was one of SAMCRO's brother charters. So this guy knew Jax? FUCK.

"Let go outside we got a lot to talk about. " He followed her out of the bar and onto the sidewalk. "You got time? And why aren't you wearing your Kutte?" If she had seen the kutte, she would have run a mile.

"Nomad" Kozik said taking a seat beside her on the bench. "You gonna tell me who you're an old lady too?"

Tara took a long pause taking the bud he had from him. "Jackson Teller, prince of Charming." Tara put her hands up to her face. "We haven't seen each other in seven years. We aren't together."

"Ah but you're still his old lady you trying to get me killed? He would have my head for this!" Kozik took the bud back from Tara.

"What's your name anyway? Not often someone leaves the club? What gives?" Tara looked over at him for the first time since inside. She saw the pain cross his face.

"Kozik and you're Tara right?" Tara nodded. "I left the club because I needed a break from everything. My personal demons keep creeping back up on me. Sometimes its best when I leave, hit the road. It gives me time to gain perspective."

"You sound like Jax." Tara said with a faint smile. "First time I had one of these since I left Charming." She said as she rolled the bud around her fingers. "Everyone has demons you know, just some of us are better at hiding it than others."

_it's hard to believe  
>That there's nobody out there<br>It's hard to believe  
>That I'm all alone<em>

"My time in the Marines gave me a few inner demons and an addiction to pain meds. PTSD, a shrink didn't work. Joining the Tacoma charter gave me a sense of a brotherhood again, it was what I needed. I got over most of it, thanks to it. Every now and then they come out to haunt me. Got shot in the leg about a month ago, got some meds, didn't end well. I hit the road when I got clean, gain perspective again. I'm heading back in a month. Riding cross country alone sure makes you miss a noisy clubhouse."

"I get it. It was weird for me when I first left. You get so invested in the club, its event, the drama. Returning to the normal world isn't easy. I miss it every day." She did she missed the sense of family it gave her. The club was noisy not that a dorm wasn't. It was just a lot different. "I'm sorry to hear about your demons Kozik. I hope one day you can keep them at bay."

"Thanks Doc. You ever think about heading back to Charming?" He had heard about the Prince having met the love of his life and that she had broken his heart. Since she left the prince had little to no heart. The only love he had was for the club.

"All the time but I wouldn't be a doc if I hadn't left." She had thought about what life would be like if she hadn't left. She thought about it a lot for so many years not so much now. "A son. You know in the seven years I've been gone you're the first biker I have met. I didn't even treat one in the hospital. Maybe this is faith being a bitch. The day I become a doctor, I meet a son."

"Faith has a funny way of messing with you" Kozik had been at his lowest when Bones, the Tacoma prez, saw some potential in him. He was in a bar and got into a fight. Bones and his wife Trish got him cleaned up and he started prospecting. The rest you could say is history. "You know you might be trying to avoid Charming and all things sons but maybe I'm a sign that, it's your future." Tara went to object but Kozik cut her off. "I meet you the day you become a doctor. You got to do what you want and now there's no excuse to stay away from Charming. You know Jax is still hung up on you, not that he would ever say it. I've been there he hasn't had a meaningful relationship since you've left."

"Jax Teller and Tara Knowles are finished. I don't think I could go back even if I wanted too. That's a hell of a lot of hurt to open back up." Going back there to a different Jax would break her heart. She liked her Jax before the Club truly got to him. What if he didn't want her? What if he liked his lifestyle?

"What if it was worth it? You'll always have that what if hanging over your head, the regret." Kozik knew first-hand about regret. He had a lot of thing he regretted.

_Under the bridge downtown  
>Forgot about my love<br>Under the bridge downtown  
>I gave my life away<em>

"Sounds like you're talking from experience. "

"You got me there doc. Jane, she was my everything. I signed up, got shipped out and she wasn't there when I came back. There was a crash. She was gone at the scene. I never got to say goodbye, never got a chance to live our life together. I'm just saying don't wait to get that call. You know the life Jax lives isn't the safest. Don't regret not giving it a chance."

"I'm sorry. It's just a lot to try take in it's been seven years, seven years trying to get over Jackson." Kozik made a lot of sense but there was a lot of shit he didn't understand about their relationship. "It's getting late. You got somewhere to stay?"

"No, you kind of got me distracted."

"You can stay at my place." Tara stood from the bench. "I got a spare room."

"Thanks Doc"

"Nice bike, it's been seven years since I've been on one, be gentle." Tara smirked taking the helmet from Kozik. Tara gave Kozik the directions to her house before they took off down the road. Her house wasn't far from the bar, they would have been able to walk. She just doesn't think Kozik would have been up for leaving his baby here.

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For a moment she wasn't cruising down the streets of Chicago but in Charming. There was a different man in front of her on the bike. He could still see his smirk from the first time he took her for a ride. The laugh at her expense when she gripped him tighter as the bike got faster. She felt the bike come to a stop, she released her slight grip on Kozik before dismounting the bike.

"Calmest girl I ever had on my bike." Kozik said as he followed her into her apartment. It was small but of what he knew about the doc, it suited her. It was a loft style very open but yet closed off all at once. The tones were neutral and brown throughout the apartment. "Nice place you've got."

"Thanks. It's been a real long day and I have a double shift tomorrow. I'm going to head to bed, feel free to take whatever you need, watch tv, there's beers in the fridge. We can have coffee before I go to work."

"Thanks for all this doc. I'm heading out early. I'm planning on going to Detroit next." Tara nodded before offering her goodnight to her new friend.

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Her alarm went off at 6:30am. She could already hear Kozik up. "Morning" Tara appeared working the complicated coffee machine that Kozik had spent the last half an hour trying to work. "You ready for the open road again" She put a cup down in front of Kozik, taking a sip from her own.

"I'm always ready for the open road." Cocky ass biker, Tara thought. "I'll be out of your hair in about fifteen minutes. I want to get out of this city before I hit traffic."

"I get that. That's why I got an apartment around the corner from the hospital." Tara explained as she watched as he packed his small bag. "You going to give me your number? I'd like to know you arrived home safe."

"You got it Doc." Kozik tossed his phone to her as she dialled her number, to get his. "You know Jax is/was a lucky guy. Just think about what we said."

"Of course I will. You be safe ok? Call me when you get to Detroit" Kozik nodded before engulfing her in a tight hug.

"Air Kozik, air."

"Sorry T. You be safe too." Tara watched as he mounted his and revved the engine pulling out into the little traffic. He watched her in his mirror as she waved. Yes, Tara Knowles was someone he needed in his life, a friend he had been missing.

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_**Reviews are much appreciated, I want to know what ya'll think! **_


	2. Ride

_**Glad you are enjoying my fic. Thank you for reviewing, adding to your alerts and adding to your favorites.**_

_**I did write remembering what you want to" and also "remembering what you want to forget" but I lost them so had to try re-write them. The original fic will start from the next chapter. **_

_**Disclaimer- I don't own anything **_

_**Ride- Lana Del Rey**_

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Jax Teller had been in limbo, since he was eighteen, since she left. Some people, his mother had thought it was some school yard shit. She couldn't have been more wrong. When Tara had left, she took a part of him with her. Jax would like to think that was the good part of him. See the life he had imagined in the club was nothing like it was. There was blood, not just the fighting but guns, the girls got skankier the older he got, more desperate. One Wendy Chase had done everything in her power to get him to fuck her. The headache he thought the club had brought all those years ago was nothing compared to now.

_Don't break me down, I been travelling too long  
>I been trying too hard, with one pretty song<em>

If it wasn't bad enough Tara had gone but the Opie got locked up. The two people that knew him best were gone. He got worse after Op left. There was no one to stop him on the downward spiral he was on. He got more invested, if that was possible. So here he was again, sitting on the roof of TM writing down his jacked up feeling about a girl who had long left.

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"Jackie Boy, the Nomad is here" Chibs shouted up to the roof. Jax climbed down walking towards the clubhouse. He saw Happy slapping some blonde guy, who must be the Nomad, on the back.

"Jax' this is Kozik, he originally from the Tacoma chapter but took a few months out to go Nomad." Juice explained, to his VP. Juice was there tech man, who would of thought an MC would need one.

"Jax, good to see you man." Kozik looked at the man who Tara was in love with up and down. He could imagine her standing beside him.

"I guess, Hap has told you about our little problem." Happy had said he was calling in some muscle for a problem they were having with the Mexicans. They were trying to muscle in on their territory and SAMCRO was not having that.

"Yeah, I was passing through, heading back to Tacoma. This was always going to be my last stop. Guess timing was on both our sides. " Kozik followed Jax into Church to get all the details before they were to head out.

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Coming back from there "meeting" with the Mexicans gave you an adrenaline rush, he couldn't describe. There was a party, as usual. Jax went up to his dorm, he had a house just didn't stay there. To him it was just a house, it was small but it felt huge with no one there with you. He lay down in the bed thinking about what had happened in the last few hours. There was blood, as always. There was also a message sent load and clear to the Mexicans. There was a knock on the door, he looked over to see Wendy, a want to be croweater standing in barley anything, like always.

"Hey prince, need some company." She was already climbing up the bed before he even said anything. Maybe fucking her would stop his thoughts for a while.

As we walked back down to the clubhouse a while later, he felt dirty. Wendy was an addict and that wasn't tolerated in his world. If Gemma even knew she was here, she'd cut him a new one. It wasn't like she wouldn't find out, his mother found out everything.

"Good way to unwind." Kozik said as he titled his head to where Wendy was. If Kozik had noticed that meant everyone did.

"Yeah Man. Who doesn't like pussy?" Jax said drinking his beer. "You did good today, we could use someone like you here."

"Tacoma is home, I'll keep it in mind though. You going to make that sweetbutt your old lady?" Kozik was a lot smarter than everyone thought. He knew to ask the right questions to get the right answers.

"Na she's not even a croweater, to messed up to be." Jax said looking over to where Wendy was. Tig now had her in his lap. "Would you make that your old lady?"

"No!" Kozik said a little bit too quickly. "More a natural blonde kind of guy. Plus I'm ten kinds of messed up, I don't need my old lady to be messed up too." His thoughts went back to Jane. She would of liked most of the guys here but not the lifestyle.

"I'm more of a brunette kind of guy." Jax said getting another two beers for them. "So why did you go nomad?"

"Pain meds. I was in the marines, PTSD and a fucked knee injury. I got addicted to the meds, helped block everything out. I had a relapse about 3 months ago. Just need to get my head straight." Kozik thoughts went back to is conversation with Tara. It was a little over a month ago and they had kept in contact. She worried about him like she was his sister.

_I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast  
>I am alone at midnight<br>Been trying hard not to get into trouble but I  
>I've got a war in my mind<br>So I just ride  
>Just ride<em>

"The open road cures everything." Except heartache, Jax thought. He remembered riding the open roads for days after Tara left. It had always helped him calm and gain perspective but this time nothing helped. "So you're going back to Tacoma after here?"

"Yeah that's the plan. Bones has been calling my ass constantly for the last two weeks." Bones was more like a father to Kozik than his prez. It was a weird relationship not many understood it but his kids were still that kids. Kozik was something of a protégé to him. "I've missed the club, it gets lonely on the road." Kozik sipped his beer. "I met this one chick a great girl actually."

"What was so special about this chick?" Jax knew from experience Kozik would be getting pussy all over the country.

"She was your old lady." Kozik smirked slightly as he put the bottle to his lips.

"Tara?"

"Yeah. Look nothing happened. I just met her in a bar we got talking and I figured out she was an old lady when I saw her crow." Jax gave Kozik a look that could kill. "Not like that just she went to pick up her bag and her top rode up and I saw it." Thank god he saw that crow before things went a little too far.

He saw Tara, got to talk to her. "How was she?" He didn't know how she was , had she become the doctor she wanted to be?

"She's good. I met her the night her internship ended, she's become a doctor." Jax couldn't help but smile. His old lady was a doctor. "She freaked out when she found out I was a son." Jax smiled again, of course she would. That's was there biggest issue the club. "She still misses you. It was written all over her face just like yours." Jax looked at him with a sad smile. "Let's not get into the heavy. Just know she's happy, safe and misses the shit out of you. Now I'm going to find a sweetbutt to make my time in Charming even better." Before Jax could ask anything else Kozik was gone. He was going to put on his cool demure and play it like Kozik.

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Waking up with a killer hangover and a croweater in his bed was normal for him. Today he felt actual guilt like the first time it happened when Tara had left. He looked at the clock it was 12pm. Kozik would be leaving with Happy soon. He rolled out from under the croweater, Tia, Mia, Rita, he wasn't sure.

_Dying young and playing hard  
>That's the way my father made his LIFE AND art<br>Drink all day and we talk till dark  
>That's the way THE ROAD dogs do it - light 'til dark<em>

"Yo Jax." Kozik smiled taking a sip from what smelt like coffee. "Glad to see you. I'm just finishing this and heading out. I've stalled for as long as possible. Happy is going to kick my ass back to Tacoma if I'm much longer." Kozik handed him a piece of paper. "That's her number. Call her, get her back here. Just don't wait another ten years, sucks seen the two of you still hung up." Kozik finished his coffee just as Happy came through the door. "Leaving now"

"Teller see you next time and listen to my advice" Kozik said before following Happy out the door. Jax followed waving the two Tacoma members off before going to the roof. He looked at the number on the small piece of paper, he even dialed it. Just how stupid would he sound ringing her after ten years? He hated how crazy she made his emotions. Did he want her back here with him? Yes. Did he want her in this life? No. His life and the club were one so he didn't really have that option of keeping him separate.

"Jackson get you're as down here." Fuck he knew his mother had heard of Wendy being at the party last night. It's just another day in the life of Jax Teller.

_I'm TIRED OF feeling like I'm f*cking crazy  
>I'm TIRED OF driving 'til I see stars in my eyes<br>It's all I've got to keep myself sane, baby  
>So I just ride, I just ride<em>

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	3. Guns and Roses

_**I do not own Sons of Anarchy**_

_**Lana Del Rey- Guns and Roses **_

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_I should've learned to let you stay.  
>You didn't want me all the time,<br>But you were worth it anyway._

Tara took a deep breath, it had been just over 8 years since she was last in an MC. Kozik had asked very nicely that she would attend his big 30th birthday being held at the Tacoma Chapter. If tonight wasn't a big enough night, she had expected a few SAMCRO boys to be here, she just dreaded to think that he would be. It was eight long years, lonely ass years, somehow Kozik had brought happiness into her life. She didn't like Kozik romantically but he had become a very good friend, a confidante, a person she would trust with her life. If anyone asked she was just a friend from his Nomad days, a doctor who lived in Chicago. Tara had to scoff to herself the biker and the doctor, this was going to raise a few eyebrows. She took another long breath before walking into the clubhouse, she was greeted by whistles from the boys and filthy looks from some croweaters.

"T, you came" Kozik lifted her into a hug. "What's your poison?"

"Just a beer for now Koz" Tara smiled. "Happy Birthday"

"So Kozik, are you going to introduce me to your friend?"

"Happy this is Dr. Tara Knowles, I met her on the road while I was Nomad"

"Tara Knowles, sorry Doctor Tara Knowles, name sounds familiar" Happy shrugged before walking away.

"He seems pleasant" Tara said taking a sip from her beer. He did know her name for a very good reason, she had been introduced to him about 10 years ago at a SAMCRO party, as Jax' old lady. This was going to be a long night.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay here? You can have my room" Kozik offered for the third time in ten minutes. Tara rolled her eyes, it was sweet but she wasn't going to deny him his bed, not on his birthday.

"I'm good, you may need it for whatever lucky lady gets the birthday boys attention" Tara said kissing his cheek before getting into the taxi.

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Tara decided on a simple black tank and jeans with a pair of black boots. She walked up to the MC, she could hear the music playing, the laughing and the sound of bikes and it was heaven. Walking over to Kozik she took a seat beside him, smiling at Happy, who looked anything but happy, even with the blonde in his lap.

"Who's the lucky croweater tonight?" Tara smiled looking around the room, to see the numerous girls throughout the club.

"Haven't decided yet maybe I'll have more than one tonight, it's my birthday I can be greedy." Kozik laughed before handing her a shot.

"Happy Birthday" They clinked glasses and downed their shots. Kozik immediately dragged Tara to dance, giving her a wink. She didn't know when the last time, she felt so at ease. She closed her eyes for a moment, it felt like she was 18 again, in SAMCRO clubhouse with another man dancing. The smells of motor oil, smoke, alcohol and leather, was all too familiar, it smelt like home. She was startled from her daydream by Kozik voice. "Jesus Christ" followed by her being dragged over to a small room, the chapel, this was too familiar, it had her on edge. She looked ahead at the man in front of her and saw the kutte SAMCRO. Her breath caught in her throat, she had to tell herself to keep breathing to keep moving. She knew coming here was a risk, she knew how close the clubs were, that there would be someone there to represent the club. She honestly didn't know why she was so shocked, why she had just gotten the fright of her life. She prayed it was a new member someone who she didn't know 8 years ago, someone who didn't recognise her. She couldn't face him not in front of all these watchful eyes, the girl who broke Jackson Tellers heart.

_'Cause you were so much better,_  
><em>Than the rest of them,<em>  
><em>Out of all the others,<em>  
><em>You were the honest man.<em>

"Hey Koz where's that doctor at?" Happy shouted.

"She's right here"

"Good get her over here" Happy didn't look the slightest bit impressed that the SAMCRO boy was hurt. He didn't want anyone messing with one of the mother charters members. Kozik gently pushed Tara ahead of him, taking in a gulp because he hadn't seen who it was, he couldn't warn her.

"Yo doc can you get this bullet out of my ass" Juice winched with pain.

Tara couldn't help but feel relieved, she didn't know who he was and she hoped he didn't know who she was. "Uh huh...yeah sure just lie him on the table" Tara said before letting them know what she would need to remove the bullet.

"Lucky you have a fat ass" Some other SOA member laughed who Tara didn't know he turned around and she saw Prospect written in clear letters across his kutte.

"Shut it prospect or you'll be cleaning my bike, room and anything else I can think of" Juice snapped. "So Tacoma has its own resident doctor huh?"

Tara just finished up the last stitch. "No! No need to get jealous, just here for Koz birthday so today is your lucky day my friend. You could have been getting that lovely man to take the bullet from your ass" Tara laughed. Looking over at the man she thinks goes by the name Mike, he apparently was the clubs medic he had stayed and watched Tara closely.

"I'm glad it was you doc, I'm Juice" He smiled.

"Tara, nice to meet you Juice" She wanted to ask him about SAMCRO but she had no right, it would raise to many questions.

"You and a prospect show up for my birthday should I be offended?" Kozik said bringing in 3 shot glasses and a bottle of tequila.

"Sorry bro it's just us, Jax, Tig and Chibs were coming but you know Charming, never a quiet day." Juice filled them in while pouring his shot. "To the doc"

"To the doc"

"And to Kozik it is his birthday"

"Yeah and to Kozik"

They all downed their shots. "Now lets party" Juice said leaving the room.

"Yeah I'm with him" Kozik said following him. The night was great they drank, smoked, danced it had been a night to remember.

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Juice walked into SAMCRO, his ass was to sore and he needed a drink to numb the pain.

"Juice" Jax smiled. "How was Tacoma?"

"I got shot in the ass, other than that good" Juice said taking his shot.

Jax couldn't help but laugh, shot in the ass. "Did Mike patch you up?"

"No Bro, Koz doctor friend Tara was there for his birthday, so I got stitched up by the doc." Juice said taking another shot.

_MOTORCYCLE love, divine,_  
><em>I should've learned to let you PLAY.<em>  
><em>I wasn't the marryin' kind,<em>  
><em>I should've done it anyway.<em>

Jax felt his heart stop, Tara was in Tacoma, Juice had seen her, talked to her, touched her. He felt a wave of jealousy and anger rush over him, he could of been there, could have seen her, touched her. Kozik had failed to mention she was going to be there, maybe he thought he should have known she would be, they were friends, of course she wasn't going to miss it.

"A doctor? Rather her than Mike" Jax laughed. "Look I got to go meet Wendy, I'll see later Bro"

Jax stepped outside leaning against his bike, he dialled the number taking a breath.

"Hello"

"You didn't tell me she was going to be there"

"Hello to you to Jax, I didn't think it needed to be said. You were coming, she was coming not my fault you got held up" Kozik yawned.

"You should have told me, I would have tried harder"

Kozik snorted and laughed. "Of course you would have, how does that not surprise me"

"Yeah, yeah next time she visits, tell me" Jax asked. He didn't care if he sounded desperate, like his world had been crushed. He would be there because he just didn't want to turn up on her doorstep after 8 years and look like a fool, still pinning over her. He was going to meet Wendy and all he could think about was Tara Knowles, nothing new there.

"I will"

"Thanks Bro, bye"

"Bye prince" Kozik said before hanging up. Kozik lay in bed he didn't tell Jax Tara was coming because he felt he was betraying Tara. He didn't tell Tara Jax was coming because she wouldn't have come. Kozik thought it be best to let them both come and get a surprise only Jax hadn't showed. Those two would be the death of him Kozik thought before rolling over and going back to sleep.

_**So how was it? Think I should continue? x**_


	4. Back to Black

_**This Chapter is more Jax than Tara, I will be putting my own spin on things post season 1 which will mostly make up this fic. Sorry for the delay on an update but my laptop got sick and had to go to the doctor. So I've only gotten it back.**_

_**Amy Winehouse - Back To Black **_

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_He left no time to regret, kept his dick wet_

_With his same old safe bet_

_Me, and my head high, and my tears dry_

_Get on without my guy_

She lay in bed with him, limbs entwined in each others, she looked up at the blonde haired, blue eyed biker and smiled like he was the only person in the world. He looked down at her like she was nothing, she could almost see guilt in his eyes. It was always like this after sex he would distance himself, even get up and leave, he hardly ever stayed with her unless he was too fucked to leave. She wasn't stupid but he was the prince of Charming and she liked to think of herself as his old lady. Gemma never failed to mention that Jax already had an old lady, that he still loved and that she was no one looking to make a name for herself in the club. She hated that none of the Club took their relationship seriously not that Jax cared, it wasn't serious to him. She had tried everyway possible to try and get him to notice her, to look at her like she was his world. Jax may have been to drunk to notice last night but he had noticed now, she could see the emotions rush over his face.

"When did you get that?" Jax stared, looking at her upper back, at the crow looking back at him.

"I got it two days ago, I want to be **your** old lady Jax" Wendy smiled. She didn't want to push him into it but she had to.

"You had no right, I never asked, you stupid bitch! I have an old lady with my crow, you can't just get that, it has to mean something! I never even asked you to even put on my Kutte, Jesus Christ you are batshit, you're not even a croweater. You're just someone who I am fucking" Jax paced the room gathering his clothes. "You don't get to tell me your my old lady got it?"

"But its on me now, I'm yours" Wendy said trying to get him to stop, she knew he wasn't going to take it well, she just didn't think he'd take it this bad. "Jax I'm sorry but she isn't coming back, it just you and me now baby."

"Don't you dare bring her up, you'll never be her and you could never take her place. Some junkie doesn't exactly sound like a good candidate to be the prince's old lady. I'm sick of your shit, your games and you trying to trap me. Stay out of my life, stay away from **my **club and get that tattoo removed" Jax said before slamming the door and walking away. Wendy stood dumbstruck in her hall thinking maybe the tattoo was a bad idea.

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Jax walked into T-M passed his mother not even bothering to stop, he needed a drink, a strong one, whiskey. "Wow where's the fire baby?" Gemma said following her son. It wasn't a busy day at T-M, the boys were working in the shop or out.

"I don't want to talk about it Ma" Jax grumbled picking up the whiskey from the shelf.

"Let me guess, it has something to do with you leaving with Wendy last night?" Gemma said trying to read her son. Jax took a shot and looked at his mother, he knew she would ride his ass until he told her exactly what happened.

"She got the crow, she just got it, didn't even ask, thinks she's my old lady" Gemmas grip tightened around her coffee cup, she didn't like Wendy. She made the perfectly clear on many occasion, Tara was perfect for him, kept him grounded and she was pissed when she left but now she had to admire her. She hated that she broke her sons heart but she had to admire her for going after her dream. She knew there was only a matter of time until she comes back with the Tara Knowles and Jackson Teller love train starts off again.

"What is she crazy? Who does she think she is? Jesus Christ does she not know about Tara, Tara is your old lady" Gemma spat out accidently on purpose to see what her sons reaction would be.

_You, went back to what you knew, so far removed_

_From all that we went through_

_And I, tread, a troubled track, my odds are stacked_

_I'll go back to black_

"I know Ma, I told her, I told her she was nothing and I didn't want anything to do with her" Jax felt rage build up inside him, how dare she try to take Taras place no one could ever do that, she was his and he was hers, forever. He knew someday they would meet again and with Kozik help maybe it would be someday soon.

"Why don't you try to see her?" Gemma asked.

"I don't want to turn up at her door after 8 years ma! I think it would be weird. Why can't she come back?" Jax snapped because why couldn't she, she could go to Tacoma to visit Kozik but not Charming to visit him and her family. SAMCRO were as much her family as they were his, they treated her like a sister, a daughter and thought Jax was lucky to have her as his old lady.

"Jackson sometimes you are too stubborn for your own good! Don't you want to know she's safe baby?"

"I know she's safe"

"How do you know that Jax, she doesn't talk to her father that often?"

"Kozik told me"

"Kozik from Tacoma? What does he have to do with Tara?"

"He met her in Chicago, they're friends now, he tells me" Jax sighed.

Gemma couldn't believe what her son just said, a fellow brother was telling him how his old lady was. "How is she?" Gemma and Tara had gotten on well, she saw her as the daughter she never had. She lived with them practically since she was 15 in the space of 4 years they had grown exceptionally close.

"She's good, she was in Tacoma at Kozik birthday"

"You got called back" Jax nodded to his mother. "You could have talked to her, got her to come back here"

"I know but it didn't happen" Jax sat looking at the whiskey bottle in front of him unable to look at his mother.

"I'm sorry Jax, maybe next time"

"Gemma we need you out here" Juice shouted.

"Ok, I'm coming" Gemma squeezed Jax shoulder dropping a kiss on his cheek before walking outside. Jax took another shot and was left to his own thoughts.

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"Hello" Tara yawned.

"Yo T, how are you? Did I wake you up lazy ass" Kozik laughed.

"I had a night shift" Tara looked at the clock she had just been in bed for an hour.

"Look I didn't want to tell you this but seen as you visiting tomorrow and SAMCRO maybe here, I thought it would be best." Kozik took a deep breath he didn't want to tell her, God this was hard. "I was talking to Juice, you know the Son you took the bullet out of his ass?"

"Yeah Koz I know"

"He said some croweater Jax had been screwing, well she kind of went behind his back and got the crow" Tara felt her insides turn, had she been replaced? Did he really have another old lady?

"He freaked he told her he already had an old lady, told her to go get the tattoo removed" Tara couldn't help but smile, he still thought of her as his old lady. She felt as though she was walking on cloud nine, she still thought of herself as his.

"Why did she get it?" Tara asked.

"Juices seems to think she's trying to trap Jax, wants to be his old lady and is willing to do anything to get him"

"Something's never change" Tara sighed. This brought her back to when Jax and she were first together. She had been always fending off the numerous croweaters bidding for his attention.

"Happy is calling me, I got to go T, see you tomorrow right?"

"See you tomorrow Koz, be safe"

"Always am T" Kozik laughed hanging up the phone.

_We only said goodbye with words_

_I died a hundred times_

_You GO BACK TO her_

_And I GO BACK to, I go back to, us_

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_**Hope that was ok! See you all again soon x**_


	5. Ghost

_**I Do Not Own Sons OF Anarchy**_

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_"Boy you never told me_  
><em>True love was going to hurt<em>  
><em>True pain I don't deserve<em>  
><em>Truth is that I never learn"<em>

_~ Ella Henderson - Ghost_

Tara was pissed, no that wouldn't even cover it. Fuck she had gotten her hair done, new clothes, had built herself up enough to finally come face to face with Jackson Teller and SAMCRO. She was just about to leave her apartment when the phone rang. Of course the doctor covering her shift would end up sick and they needed to her to cover, she told her it was only a 24 hour bug and she could leave after her shift. Jessica was genuinely sick and couldn't apologise to Tara enough. Tara knew it wasn't her fault but she couldn't help but think faith was trying to intervene. She picked up her phone ringing Kozik to tell him the news.

"Be seeing you soon T"

"About that...I can't make it tonight the doctor who was covering me ended up getting sick, next available flight is tomorrow afternoon" Tara sighed.

"T, you know Jax is going to be here tonight!"

"I know"

"Can you not find anyone else to cover you?"

"Hospital is short staffed. Koz my cab is here I go to go, I'll see you tomorrow" The line went quiet, Kozik was pissed.

"Yeah, bye"

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It had been a rough shift, anything that could possibly go wrong did, she needed a drink, an amber one.

"A shot of whiskey please" Tara told the barman.

"Rough day?"

"You could say that again" Tara sighed signalling him to pour another shot. "I should be at a party but here I am just finished work"

"That sucks ass lady" He smiled. "Here have another one on the house, lets toast to the parties we're both missing"

"Cheers" Tara said clinking her glass with his. The two fellow surgeons she had come with had disappeared in the crowd so she decided to sit at the bar and drink herself to oblivion. She looked at her phone and dialled his number, bikers always picked up there phones encase it was club business, so she new he would answer.

"Hello" Kozik slurred.

"Koz, I'm sorry I'm missing the party"

"T, It's ok I'm a little bit fucked, Jax is here with the croweater" Kozik said mentally cursing himself. He was all kinds of wasted an a little bit too high, it just slipped out they were right in front of him. When he thought of Tara he thought of Jax and vice versa. Most of their conversations entailed something about the other. What they were doing? Were they ok? It had left his lips before he had even thought about what he had said.

"Oh, I guess I'll see you tomorrow have fun"

"T" It was too late she was already gone. He felt like shit, he wanted to ground to swallow him up, he had just hurt her and that was never his intention. Tara was a close friend, he doesn't think he was ever that close with a girl who was just a friend. Jesus she was his best friend, she knew more about him than half his club did.

"Yo Kozik can we talk out front" He looked up to see Jax standing in front of him. He was to drunk to deal with this shit. Kozik, alcohol and smoke always ended up with him saying or doing something stupid. He got up and followed Jax outside.

"Where is she? You said she was going to be here" Jax snapped.

"She was supposed to be here. She will be here tomorrow afternoon, she had to cover one of the doctors last minute couldn't make it" Kozik said sipping his beer. "She was looking forward to coming, she was majorly happy about it"

"Did you tell her I was coming? Is that why she didn't come?" Jax felt stupid asking Kozik these questions. It was the only way he knew what was going on with Tara. He was to proud and stubborn to just pick up the dam phone and call her.

"She knew you were coming, that you all were. She was going to come. She wanted to, she wanted to see you. How do you think she would have felt seeing you with the croweater huh? She would never want to see you again, she has the crow Jax. Fuck Tara would be gone before you even had a chance to explain if she was by your side."

"She just came, found out off with of the boys and arrived with her bag. What could I say?"

"You can't come"

"It's not that simple. She fragile, she a junkie, I don't want to push her over the edge" Jax sighed.

"All I'm saying is her being here isn't going to make things good between you and T"

"I know"

"What are you two doing out here, there's a party in here" Chibs said from the door.

"My beer is done, we're coming" Kozik said walking away from Jax.

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Tara sat at the bar she was half way through the bottle of whiskey, when some guy approached.

"You like your liquor don't you?" He smiled. He was older maybe ten years, dressed in a suit, freshly shaven, short hair and nothing like Jackson Teller.

"Rough day, I'm entitled to get drunk" Tara mumbled.

"And what made you day so rough?"

"Surgeries and anything that could go wrong, went wrong" Tara said raising her glass to her lips.

"You're a surgeon?"

"Is it so hard to believe?" Yes it probably as that hard to believe here she was half way through a bottle of whiskey, biker boots, jeans and a band tee. Nothing about her exactly screamed surgeon, so he did probably have a right to look shocked. By his look he looked like a business man maybe a lawyer.

"You just don't look like any surgeons I know. What's you name?" He said looking her up and down.

"I don't just tell my name to anybody. How do I know you're not a mass murder, some kind of stalker or some total creep?" Tara said. She really wasn't in the mood for company, especially not someone asking her twenty questions. She never liked that game, dating Jax questions were bad. Questions usually meant someone was trying to get information about the MC out of you. She had learnt to not answer anything she didn't want to, by turning their question into a question for them. He didn't answer just showed her his badge. She looked at the badge ATF. She couldn't help but laugh, here was the clubs arch enemy trying to chat her up. She had the mark of an outlaw biker club on her lower back and here she was talking to ATF. Lucky she didn't have loose lips start talking about how she was supposes to be in Tacoma at the outlaw biker party.

"A cop, should have guessed" Tara shrugged. "What do you want from me?"

"Just for you to go to dinner with me"

"And why would you want to go to dinner with me?" Tara asked with a raised brow.

"You intrigue me" He thought it was a simple answer. He had been watching her from across the bar, she was beautiful, dark hair, pale skin. He didn't have a problem talking to women but with her she was guarded after drinking half a bottle of whiskey, He thought she would be an open book, easy to read. He couldn't have been more wrong, he wanted to get to know her, know everything about her. He liked that she just didn't talk to anyone, she had a solid career like him and he liked that. She knew what's like to work long hours, she was perfect. "You still haven't told me your name?"

"You haven't told me yours" Tara retaliated.

"Joshua Kohn" He smiled.

"Tara...Tara Knowles" Tara said. "Are you going to leave me to my night or keep asking me questions?"

"If you agree to dinner tomorrow night, I'll leave you to your night" Joshua smiled. She as playing hard to get he liked that.

"I'm away for the next 3 days and on shifts for the following 4. How about here same time next week" Tara would agree to anything for him to just Fuck off at this point.

"Perfect, see you then Tara Knowles" The way he said her name made her skin crawl.

"Goodbye Joshua" Tara left out a sigh of relief when he finally left. One dinner couldn't be that bad right? Maybe dating a ATF agent would be the perfect way to say Fuck you Jackson Teller.

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Kozik waited at the airport, her plane was just after arriving. He saw her walking toards him, he engulfed her in a huge before she could even say anything.

"I can't breath Koz" Tara finally said between breaths.

"I missed you" Kozik smiled. It had been 6 months since they had last seen each other. He had tried to make it up to see her but the club had been mad busy and he just couldn't get the time away, not being sergeant of arms.

"Missed you too, you big softie" Tara laughed kissing his cheek.

"Now lets get to the clubhouse" Kozik smiled leading her to the clubs van.

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They arrived to the clubhouse, Tara breath caught in her throat when she saw the bikes she knew to well. "They're all here?"

"Yeah staying for a couple of days, shit got really bad here. Mother Charter and all that are here for support" Kozik explained as best he could without giving too much away. "Are you ready for this?"

"Ready as I'll ever be" Tara said regaining her composure.

_"Each time that I think you go_  
><em>I turn around and you're creeping in<em>  
><em>And I let you under my skin<em>  
><em>'Cause I love living in the sin"<em>

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_**I'm so bold leaving it as a cliffhanger I have a genuine Idea of milestones I want to hit in the fic, some chapters will just be fillers others will have more drama etc... Reviews are much appreciated... I now have the link to my twitter and tumblr account on my profile feel free to contact or follow me on either...I do follow back... MeMii x**_


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